It’s fair to say women are master interpreters. To our detriment or advantage, we can read between the lines of almost anything. The presence or absence of an exclamation mark; the difference between ‘best’ and ‘cheers’; the use of hello versus hi. We know what people are really thinking, even if they don’t.

I’m embarrassed to say I’ve spent one too many nights racked with anxiety over an email that had nothing more than four sentences and four periods. But those periods were like blows to the gut. The difference between ‘See you tomorrow.’ and ‘See you tomorrow!” was monumental. One is a message of warning, the other a friendly gesture.

Maybe it’s because women are used to speaking in code we’re hypersensitive to others doing it. But I think we can all agree there’s a universal email language and like the British on steroids, it’s highly polished. We can say ‘fuck you’ in such subtle words that it feels like stabbing someone in the back with a gold tipped fountain pen.

I did not come up with the following list, however, I couldn’t have defined any of them better. I think you’ll agree, this is exactly what the real email language means…

Thanks in advance: Get this done by the time I press “send”

Thanks for your interest: Why’d you have to bring this up

Would you be so kind: Fucking do it

Best: I have never physically met you

All best: This conversation is over

All my best: I wish you would die

Happy to help: This is the easiest thing in my inbox

I hope this helps: I’ve done all I’m willing to do

I did a bit of research: I googled it, because you’re too lazy to

Sorry to chase: Answer my email

So sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email

I am really sorry for being a pest but: I am LIVID that you are ignoring me

Please contact my colleague: This isn’t my problem

I’m copying in my colleague: This isn’t my problem and i am thrilled about it

I’ll check and get back to you: I might forget to

I’ll let you know when I hear anything: I will forget to

Can you check back with me in a week?: I’m hoping you will forget to

Per our earlier conversation: I just yelled at you on the phone

Great to chat just now: You just yelled at me on the phone

Thanks!: I’m not mad at you

Thanks!!: Please don’t be mad at me

Thanks!!!: I’m crying at my desk

Please advise: This might be your fault

Kindly advise: This is entirely your fault

Mind if i swing by?: I’m already in the elevator

Can you confirm for me: You told me before and I deleted the email

Sorry if that was unclear: I think you’re an idiot

Let me know if you need anything else: Please never contact me again

Source: maralie

Lauren Martin
Just another girl in the world...and founder of Words of Women

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