I have a friend. She started a romance with a guy while he was visiting New York. By the time he went back to Europe, they’d been dating a month and well, we’re in love. So what does any couple in love do? They try long distance.
That’s the reason WhatsApp is worth over a billion dollars, right? Between texting, Skype dates and dirty snaps it feels like the impossible can in fact, become a real relationship (throbbing libido and all). Three weeks in, however, we were drinking wine and discerning the many messages she’d received –and on the other end, hadn’t received.
From my end it was obvious. He wasn’t into her anymore. I’m not saying he never wasn’t into her — there’s a huge difference ladies. We have a way of making the facts of the present make us feel like fools about the past, when in fact that present usually has nothing to do with the past.
The same goes in her case. She wasn’t stupid for trying long distance with him. And she didn’t do anything wrong –didn’t send an ugly picture, didn’t text too much, didn’t come off too desperate– he just changed his mind.
After reminding her of this very important fact, I laid down the truth for her.
From these messages, he doesn’t seem into it anymore.
I went on.
Clearly he’s busy and obviously he’s egotistical…
Come on, he’s so young. What do you expect? Men are impossible in the first place, but we both know, the younger they are the worse they are.
None of this was helping. I watched the sadness creep over her face. Fuck, I was watching a woman come undone. I was watching her realize a truth she didn’t want to see – and I’d put it there.
After he responded to his five-day hiatus she went back to loving him and forgetting our conversation. But when it happened a second time, this time eight days of straight silence and a weak “Hey, sorry. What’s up,” she knew it was over.
But what do I say? How do I respond? How do I get closure when he’s not going to give it to me?
Fuck. I don’t know. I replied.
He’s an artist. Call him inauthentic. That’ll go straight to his core.
Yea. She sighed.
We thought about it for days. What do you say to a man who broke your heart but clearly doesn’t care so the only thing you can do is send an angry text and come off looking crazy?
We both knew the text wouldn’t do anything but give her minor relief. But was that relief worth giving up her pride? Was it better to sting him with silence –even if she’d be internally screaming for the next six months?
How does one get closure when there’s no one there to close the door on?
It’s been almost a week since this all went down and we’re still debating the text (whether to send or not, what to say and not to say), however, I’ve realized that closure isn’t going to come from him.
The first solution is this: Go on date after date until she finds another guy who makes her feel the same way. This is much riskier as it can turn out badly and only end with her feeling worse than she did before you started dating to forget him.
However, there is a second solution.
Find something. Something that will take the frustration and the angry texts you can’t send. Something that will let you throw angry words, thoughts and every word you’ve never been able to say.
I don’t care if you’ve never painted, wrote or taken a pottery class. I don’t care if you think you’re a shit artist and are too ashamed to pick up a brush.
THIS IS WHY ART IS BORN –to give closure. To forget the pain. To say everything you can’t say to the asshole who broke your heart.
Find something to pour your heart into instead of someone. Fill that void that can’t be filled with music, wine and f*cking masterpieces. Make something out of this. Close the door with a bang. Close it with a novella, a poem, an impressionist painting to hang on the blank wall above your bed.
People aren’t going to give you closure because people suck. This is why art exists and why you are experiencing heartbreak. You must use it. Use it until you fall asleep without needing Xanax. Use it until you forget his name. Use it until you’ve made something that you can look at in awe and wonder and be thankful for the f*cking pain you once thought you’d never get over.
Photo via https://cactuseeds.tumblr.com/