I quit social media at the age of 17 – for four years. I didn’t have a presence on any platform. I was drawn to the sentiment that life is better when no one knows what you’re up to.
“Travel and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one, live happily and tell no one.” Kahlil Gibran
I resented some of the functions of social media:
Addictive by design
Creating a reliance on external validation
Glorification of fame and wealth
I was seeking depth, genuine connection and authenticity. I didn’t like the normalisation of photo-shopping and filtering. The comparisons encouraged by what is popularised on platforms like Instagram are often unrealistic, unhealthy and massively impactful.
I spent the four years exploring what made me who I am. I focused on learning and listening, and slowly, I started to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I doubted myself less. I judged myself and others less harshly. I valued the little interactions in life so much more. Instead of cramming my mind with unfulfilling surface knowledge, I listened to podcasts and read books. I was more engaged in spending time with family. My world felt smaller but more meaningful. The focus of my life shifted.
Stay off social media
Read more books
Live slowly
Do just enough
Go with the flow
Keep peace within
Lessen expectation
Accept what is
As I settled into a routine, I started to feel restless. I was worried about a growing sense of complacency. I felt like I was living a life on autopilot. I wanted to be inspired again. I was determined to push the bounds of my comfort zone. I realised that staying home was easy and distraction was easy, but it was empty. I went back to the core of my values. I thought about what fulfilled me:
The relationships I built
Laughter
Hard work
Persevering through meaningful struggle
I thought about what kind of person I wanted to be:
Easy going
Present
Curious
Inclusive
Cheerful
And what kind of life I wanted to live:
Less individually focused
Surrounded by people
Emanating joy
Creating connections
“There is a place behind your rib cage that is home to the thing that makes you so utterly you. A unique combination of elements that form your true self and the very essence of who you are. When someone is able to distinguish this part of you from all the facade, it is like being seen for the first time. This recognition is above all else the most gratifying human experience” Lang Leav
My focus on people and connection led me to this desire to be “seen.” I craved that deep closeness that came from feeling truly understood. I thought that perhaps my insistence on privacy was preventing me from experiencing this with many of the people around me. And so, after four years of forming my adulthood identity and finally feeling confident and comfortable with myself, I thought perhaps I’d be able to use social media in a positive, healthy and authentic way.
I started with sharing all the major life events that occurred over the last few years. I met up with a few old friends I’d lost touch with. I looked for people I could relate to. I wanted to put myself out there. I wanted to share my passions and interests and for them to be well-received. I wanted people to see me. Unsurprisingly, I found myself becoming increasingly anxious with a return to overthinking. Am I portraying myself accurately? What do other people think? Do other people care? Do other people make these decisions so purposefully or do they just live without a second thought?
Nothing on social media could compare to sitting around a table with my family or going for a walk with a friend. I think this journey has led me to the conclusion that I find a small life to be more fulfilling, but I value the power of vulnerability which means that, at times, surrendering to the possibility of judgement is beneficial. I previously had such a fragile sense of self that anyone’s criticism could send me into a spiral. Now, having explored who I am without so much negative influence and pressure, I am able to engage with others in a real way; unafraid and willing to open up without oversharing. I can be fascinated by those from other walks of life and can find connection in the most unlikely places. I understand that different people are in different phases of their life and are motivated by different desires. I think that we only see others, and they only see us, when we are truly paying attention. And no one is truly paying attention to an Instagram post.
I’m again reminded of what fulfils me, what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life I want to live. In seeing regular updates from friends, I was convinced that that was all there was to know. I lost my curiosity and stopped asking questions. I lost the joy I’d previously found in in-person interactions.
I want to see more than someone’s Sunday brunch and cute puppy. I want to know them in all of their states of being, in all of their moods, in the good times and the bad. I recognise that a handful of close friends means so much more than a wide circle of casual friends.
This journey has led me to the conclusion that I am seen. The family that have known me for my entire life see me. My husband who wakes up by my side every morning sees me. My friends who I work closely with and who have watched me grow over these last few years see me. And I see them. I am ready to again embrace what is in my life. Searching for more is an endless feat. Part of that means accepting when I feel restless or complacent. It will happen! But, rather than turning to social media for validation, I will turn to the relationships I have built. I will put in the hard work and persevere through the struggles life brings. And this is where true meaning ensues. It’s not about being private and having no one know what I’m up to. It’s about purposefully choosing the people in my life, being vulnerable, having fun and treasuring the people in my small world.