There is a saying much repeated by older generations, which goes as, ‘Do not fear anything, for your worst fears will never happen’. Well, guess what? Mine did. I fell in love.

Now, one might think, ‘How can love be something that is feared?’ and perhaps in their own way, they are right. Yet, being raised independent and somewhat solitary, I became accustomed to the fact at a very young age that I was going to be alone.

This did not necessarily mean I would be “single” and not have any boyfriends but rather, if I did, I would not form deep attachments to them.

I’m 25 years old. Not to repeat the things you’ve probably heard or read somewhere else but my generation sucks at dating. We are the worst! Most of us crave intimacy and sincerity but our understanding of a relationship depends on Instagram posts and superficial dates. We like to “ghost” people instead of telling them face-to-face that we are not interested in them or we get scared too easily when get close to someone.

I’ve been on the both sides of the spectrum. And this has made me become very cynical towards relationships and people in general, at a relatively young age. I told myself that based on my dating history and fear of commitment that I would not be in love, at least for a very long time.

I was perfectly OK with that too. I enjoyed living on my own, being solely responsible for myself and in a sense, being “free”. Avoiding feelings and commitment meant that I could act with rationality and logic. I also did not have to consider other people’s feelings that much.

Writing these down, I sound like a terrible person but unfortunately, this is how I felt at the time.

Then, of course, the unexpected happened. I fell in love. In other words, my worst fear came true.

Initially, I wanted to shut it down. The nicer and kinder he was to me, the meaner I was to him. I did all sorts of strange things to turn him off. Yet, he persisted.

And after weeks of battling my inner demons, I accepted what I was running away from. I was absolutely head over heels in love with this person and there was no way in denying it. Trying to dismiss my feelings was more exhausting than I ever imagined. So, in a somewhat cautious manner, I decided to go with the flow.

Turns out love is beautiful. Now, I don’t live in a fantasy. I have fights with my boyfriend and sometimes we drive each other crazy.

Yet, with this person I am more me than I have ever been in my life. He has taught me self- love and he has helped me accept my flaws. He accepts me the way I am but also pushes me to become a better version of myself. He is always honest with me.

I love that when I listen to music now, a simple bass or synth can remind me of him. I love that I can cry on his shoulder when I’m the saddest or laugh with him when I’m the happiest.

Perhaps, these are nothing new to people who are or have been in relationships. Yet, it is quite new for me so please go gentle on me.

What I have learned, most importantly, is however that it is perfectly alright to not go through this world alone. It is perfectly alright to ask for support, it is perfectly alright to cry next to someone or ask for their help.

I have to come to realize that being vulnerable and open to being hurt is a far more rewarding experience than being detached and closed off.

If you like someone, if you love someone, go for it. Never hide your feelings. Be open to everything and the universe will not let you down.

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The Book of Moods
How I Turned My Worst Emotions Into My Best Life

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