June 13, 2019 (4 AM)

I don’t care if I was drunk then or I’m drunk now. I’m starting this journal series and no one can stop me.

I don’t care what anyone thinks of me anymore. I’m tired of worrying about it so much. I’m tired of not being as authentic as I possibly can for fear of embarrassing myself or sharing too much. What does it matter anyway?

Last night was a little weird. I told myself I would write but I ended up just watching Real Housewives reruns on HULU. So I drank to put me in the mood. Two martinis. Maybe three. I hope not three. Because as Dorinda says, “Martinis are like breasts. Two are good, three is too many.”

Because I’m up at 4 am AGAIN, I’m going to try not to take an Adderall today. Between that and the Xanax and the martinis it can’t be doing anything good for my brain long-term. I could turn into Sonja Morgan for God’s sake.

Today I will go to work cold turkey. It’s going to be tough because I hate everyone and I find talking to people more and more difficult without the help of some sort of drug to “put me in the mood”. Carrie Fisher says the making of an addict is the need to always be comfortable. Whatever.

Also, I meant to tell you. I saw the movie The Souvenir this weekend. I’m not sure yet if I liked it. It’s about a girl who starts dating a heroin addict but is too naïve to realize he’s a heroin addict. I did that once. Only he wasn’t a heroin addict just a creepy guy from Spain. I was so lonely and sad and desperate I actually dated a guy who cat called (more of a whistle though). To be clear, he never whistled at me, only at other women.

Anyway, in this movie the heroin addict is helping the girl with her application essay to film school. In it she says she uses film as a form of therapy for her. “Why did you say that?” he asks her. “Because I’m trying to be sincere,” she said.

“Why is being sincere a unique quality?”

“Because I’m being honest.”

“Everyone can be sincere. Everyone can be honest. That shouldn’t be something that’s interesting about you.” he says.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Maybe it’s because I’m wondering if being sincere is even enough anymore. Maybe this all is so pointless. Or maybe  I’m attracted to heroin addicts? He really was charming. Anyway, I have lunch with Kim on Wednesday to talk about why I think Julia deleted her Instagram and Facebook accounts. Tonight I am meeting up with Jess which always makes me feel better because her life is way sadder than mine. She caught her boyfriend watching gay porn a few days ago.

Stay tuned…

What Is This:

Dear Diary – An alcoholic narcissist living in New York who, from her hatred of people to her confusion about engagement parties, doesn’t make life easy for herself.

Follow her daily rants and thoughts contained in quick diary entries as she attends parties only to meet more people she doesn’t like, have conversations that make her feel awkward, and share thoughts that she definitely can’t tell anyone else.

Lauren Martin
Just another girl in the world...and founder of Words of Women

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